Scared to stay home

Before we had kids I was 100% sure that all I wanted in life was to be a stay at home mom. You see I had a great example in that department (seriously the best birthday parties ever), and I couldn’t imagine anything better than spending all day everyday with my kids. As an adult I can realize that my mom was even more impressive than I thought, she not only managed to do us full time but she also had a small business! I have no idea how she did it all…. I’m sure at times it wasn’t easy but my overall view of my childhood is pretty positive.

Flash forward to the birth of our first child and we decide that we will make the sacrifice financially for me to stay home. It really was a sacrifice for us, David took a second job and my brother moved in with us to help us cover the mortgage. In the early days of parenthood I think David worked nearly 80 hrs a week and even with the great support system we had  I was lonely. In retrospect I was probably suffering from some postpartum depression. It was HARD like really hard. Eventually I went back to work with the same retailer I has worked for in college, first as a part time associate and then taking a full time management position. I associate the return to full time employment with the end of the dark times in mothering for me. I embraced the fact that I was happier as a working mom than as a stay at home mom.  I embraced that as my identity as a mother.

When we had E I we talked briefly again about me staying home but we had just bought a new house and that option was really not affordable for us. And if I’m being honest with myself the memory of those first few months with P played a part in the decision for me. I needed to return to work not just to help support our family but to regain my identity.

Now as we get closer and closer to the move one particular reality is setting in for me. I will be a stay at home mom again. In Morocco I will not have a work permit, I have no option but to stay home. Part of me is really looking forward to it, Patrick will be going to school full time and it will give Eloise and I a chance to bond just the two of us in a way we have never had since she is the second child. But if I’m being honest, part of me is a little scared. Eloise and I will be home alone all day everyday. I’m in a different place now than I was as a new mother, and I know we will do better than I did then. I’m planning on plenty of adventures and I tell people that we “will go to the beach everyday” but really I have no idea what we will do.

We will have fun, I know that much, and that’s what I’m banking on.

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